dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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