New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
