So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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