Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
