Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
