I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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