she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
