Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
