Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
