I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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