how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
