Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
