3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
