how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You may now shotgun with the bride
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
