Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
