it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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