Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My feet surprised me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
