So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
