my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
