I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
