Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
