I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
