I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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