Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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