i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
