I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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