Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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