i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
