he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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