I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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