Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you had me at cake vodka
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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