I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
