Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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