Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
