bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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