I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
