my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
