There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
