so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
