The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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