you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
