I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
