im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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