Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
