you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
