standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
