He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
