He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
