I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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