I should be sponsored by Trojan
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
