My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
