I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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