His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
